How do you comeback after losing a child? It’s certainly not easy, not even close. But one thing is for sure- you do not go back to life as you once knew it. And the way you choose to go determines the rest of your life.
After 50 years of being a Christian, and not the best, but believing in the basics, that There is a God, He sent his only begotten Son to redeem us from original sin, and we are all saved because of his eternal sacrifice. Well I believed that and more. So I thought I was on solid ground, but that all disappeared in a day – actually in a moment.
You see my son AJ simply fell, but at the hospital he went downhill fast. I prayed every day of my life, and now I prayed for a miracle. He wasn’t supposed to die, but the fact he was declining got me scared and the prayers went into high gear. Many of his friends prayed. We received hundreds of texts and emails saying “I’ve never prayed a day in my life, but today I am praying for your son”. How wonderful to hear. Now I’ve never really seen miracle but heard a lot about them, so as the situation got worse, I thought “what a great sign to all these kids praying for AJ to turn it around.” Well when the doctors told me my son was not recovering and indeed I faced the reality of that outcome, I looked up to heaven and said “You’re not there-there is no God”. I thought how easy for a God to heal him and show hundreds of people how good God can be, but I felt like the Pharaoh from the ten commandments movie, holding my son in front of a bird-headed God, but my God was a Man on a cross. I thought, “this is just a story to make people feel better in times like these”, except I wasn’t feeling better and started to feel duped by my church. And my son passed away, and I honestly didn’t believe there was a God for close to two weeks.
I then had to make a decision. Using some reasoning, which I later found out had a name – Paschals wager – I reasoned that humans believe either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss (some pleasures, luxury, etc.).
So I started to look back at the story. The story of Jesus crucified. The story that made me realize my problem is not exclusive,that parents for thousands of years have lost children and how selfish I started to feel. So it was a start.
But God reached out to me in many ways which at first I rejected and denied. After all, I didn’t want to be the parent that thought “every red bird, or every butterfly is a sign from Heaven”. “HEY, Jesus face on a cracker! Thats a sign!” No, not for me, but my signs would be substantial… at least for me. And that’s all they had to be for, because I was the one asking for them. And thats what reversed the anger and sorrow to a great degree. But the signs didn’t show until my belief was back in place securely.
More to come…